Love and Pain

You came back into my life after months of ignoring me. I never really fell out of love with you so manipulating me was easy for you. You told me you loved me and wanted to move in together. The moment you started building me up with love and promises my head started to fill with doubt. In my gut I knew you were going to break my heart. In my head it was too good to be true that I got you back so easily, so quickly. My head and my heart screamed at me “NO!”but I screamed “YES!” I knew, I know all of these things before they happen because I feel it, but I always seem to ignore the things I shouldn’t ignore. You told me I shouldn’t ignore certain things and you were right about that. The first time we broke up you told me to forget you and you were right about that as well. I should have forgotten but I couldn’t forget something, someone that met the world and more to me so easily. I latched on to the memories and the hopes and I broke myself up and learned to build myself back up by scratch. I did it all on my own without you but you. I learned so many things without you. But I also learned so much with you I grew with you but I also grew without you and I’m glad of that. But you, you decided to come back into my life. I didn’t ask you to and I didn’t beg you to but I was okay with the fact that you were back. I accepted the 3 possible outcomes of me and you. The first out come was: We would never talk ever again, we had a great run together. We were exactly what each other needed in that time but now we don’t need each other anymore and it was time to move on. The second outcome was: WE would come back into each others lives. As friends. When we first meant we fell in love and we did so quickly we moved to quickly and we just needed time as friends. Something we never got to be. I hoped we could be friends I didn’t like the bad terms we left on. The third and final outcome I pictured was: You and me against the world. We could be together and happy.

Once I accepted the fact that anything is possible it was easier to let you go. Once I became okay with the fact you could be with me or you couldn’t be helped me leave you. But you came back. Why did you come back? Why did I let you come back? You filled my head with lies and promises and I believed them. Then you had a sudden change in heart sudden change in everything and you just spilt everything to me. You told me you lied you told me you never really wanted me back again. You just needed me because I benefitted you and you shattered my heart the way I did yours the first time we broke up. And I knew, I just knew you wanted me to feel the way I made you feel that day. I built you up then I just ripped everything from you and I didn’t know why I left you but now I know clearly. I got the gut feeling because I knew I didn’t need you. I knew my worth deep down even though I couldn’t see it In that Moment. I needed to know to live without you. Yo live on my own. To live for me. To be happy on my own so that I could be happy with you. I learned to be happy without you and you came back right at that moment. I knew I shouldn’t have let you back in my life but again and again I made excuses for you I ignored my gut for you like I generally always do and God I was so stupid for doing that. I wanted me and you to work so bad that I neglected everything else. I lied to people for you. And you lied to me for yourself. You made me believe we could be something or maybe it was just me on my own. Maybe you had no convincing to do at all, it was all just me and this stupid thing called hope.

You made me believe that this thing I hoped for could be reality and then you left. But I will not call myself broken. Not again. Not after you or because of you. Because those few months without you made me become a better me. I’m getting over you. I am over you

And this time you won’t be hard to forget.